August 26, 2010

Lots of things. Things for Hope.

I look out and see the vastness, and realize that my head is clouded.
I realize that I am small.
I realize that my quests are also for others.

I'm officially on week 2, and going stronger than I was even in week 1.  I haven't had tremendously bad moments, and I think the low-light of the week-long diet change was eating pizza while being drunk upstate with some friends.  I knew the next day that it was not a good choice, and I also let it go.
That's the hardest part in all of this - letting go of past transgressions.  Seeing the Past not as a Ghost that is solely supposed to torment the Present Self, but instead seeing it for what it truly is - an opportunity to close those missteps up, pack them away forever, and to step forward, into my Future Self. 

The Past is not something designed to be weighed across from one's dreams, or aspirations, or the Future.  And we should never let our insecure, selfish unconscious self (the "little 2 year old boy") pit our Past against our Present Self.  Your past decisions do NOT invalidate any desire for change in your Present Self!
Case in point: Just because I ate extremely poorly for 27 years of my life, not caring how I looked or felt, and instead fed the "little boy" inside me, does not mean that any pursuit for a better quality of life, a more balanced life, or moderation is not worthwhile! 
My mind wants to stack up the double cheeseburgers, philly cheesesteak subs, NYC pizza, chicken wings, Dominos Pizza, Arby's Beef and Cheddars, Nathan's Corndogs, Peter Luger Porterhouse Steaks, etc. for the 9,874 days I have been on this planet, and pit them against the 8 days I've eaten mostly lean chicken breast, bananas, turkey, pistachios, rice, etc.  My mind wants me to think that just in terms of sheer VOLUME, my pursuit is futile, and useless.  "There's too many tasty foods on the other side, right?  You're going to cave, John.  You're just going to."

NO.  AND I RESOLVE TO REJECT THE WAY I USED TO LIVE. 

FOOD IS NOT SOMETHING THAT DEFINES MY DAY, IT IS A TOOL I USE TO GET THINGS DONE; LIKE A PAIR OF SNEAKERS, OR A PEN.  IT MERELY KEEPS ME ALIVE AND WELL, AND IS NOT TO ENTERTAIN ME OR CAPTIVATE ME.

***********************************************

My visit to the Nutritionist enlightened me greatly, and the woman was very receptive, supportive, and also very direct.  We went through my recent food journal, and highlighted the chances to improve.  We also went through my former eating habits, to show just how drastic the change had been.

Some highlights:
  • For most of the 27 years on this planet, I was eating anywhere between 4,000-5,000 calories a day, high in fat, high in carbohydrates, high in sodium, and low in fiber. 
  • I am now eating 1,500-2,000 calories a day, and must look for opportunities to add fiber through fresh vegetables and other means, while maintaining the calorie count. 
  • *The word LITE on food products means it has under 2.5 grams of fat in the product per serving.
  • *The words REDUCED FAT mean that it has from 9.5 grams to 2.6 grams of fat in the product per service. 
  • Each gram of fat you consume is worth 9 calories. 
  • Each gram of carbohydrate you consule is worth 4 calories. 
  • Each gram of protein you consume is worth 4 calories. 
  • THEREFORE, I want a balanced diet of those three groups, where 30% of my calories come from fat, 50% comes from carbohydrates, and 20% come from protein.  I still want 2,000 calories, but in this specific way.
  • Feeling full means you have overeaten, that you have clogged up your digestive system. 
  • It takes 20 minutes for your stomach to tell your brain when it is satieated, or satisfied.  Therefore, eat 1/2 of your lunch, then take a break and do something else until 20 minutes has passed.  At the 20 minute mark, if you are still hungry, have some more of your lunch.  You will be surprised at how little food you need to satisfy your hunger.
  • Snack on fresh vegetables, nuts (such as pistachios), and fruits, and avoid, at all reasonable cost, food with added sugar.  You should only introduce 25 grams of added sugar into your diet.
  • Most importantly, take this all in stride, a day at a time.  You will have great days, and you will have bad days.  But if you mess up, or make a poor choice, immediately move on, and choose health.
*******************************************

I've noticed my purple shirt is slightly less tight than it used to be. It is a small thing, but I noticed it was blousing out a bit more on the subway this morning.  For today, that's more than enough for me.  I am not concerned with the weight number, or the way clothing fits.  I am focused on making good decisions, and those things will fall in line naturally.  Today, I will continue to have a good day with my diet decisions.

*******************************************

I am using the website http://www.fatsecret.com/ to do my online food journal.  They have an app for my Blackberry that syncs up to the website, and maintains the information.  It has been tremendously useful, and enabled me to search foods, compare nutrients, and keep track of what I'm putting in my system.

This site will tell you how many calories you burn per day just by normal daily activity, based on age, weight, height, and level of activity.  http://walking.about.com/cs/calories/l/blcalcalc.htm

It's simple math: eat 3,500 calories less than you burn in a week, and you lose a pound.  Plain and simple.

August 25, 2010

Like Rock & Roll and Radio



Are you still in love with me
Like the way you used to be or is it changing?
Does it deepen over time like the river
That is winding through the Canyon?

Are you still in love with her?
Do you remember how you were before the sorrow?
Are you closer for the tears
Or has the weight of all the years left you hollow?

Are we strangers now?
Like the Ziegfeld Gal and the Vaudeville show?
Are we strangers now
Like rock and roll and the radio?
Like rock and roll and radio

I can see you lyin' there
Tying ribbons in your hair and pullin' faces
I can feel your hand in mine
Though were living separate lives in separate places

Are we strangers now?
Like the Ziegfeld Gal and the Vaudeville show?
Are we strangers now?
Like rock and roll and the radio?
Like rock and roll and radio

All these white lies hanging like flies on the wall
Hard wired, road tired
Counting curtain calls and waiting
Waiting for the axe to fall

Are you still in love with me
Like the way you used to be or is it changing?
Does it deepen over time, like the river
That is winding through the Canyon?

Are we strangers now?
Like the Ziegfeld Gal and the Vaudeville show?
Are we strangers now?
Like rock and roll and the radio?
Like rock and roll and radio

August 23, 2010

3500

One pound in your body is "worth" 3,500 calories.  Meaning, over the course of the week, if you take in 3,500 less calories than you need, you lose weight.

Since Thursday, I have made an incredibly concerted effort to eat healthy, and low calorie.  My goal is to lose 1/3 of my weight, and look and feel healthier.

If I do this by diet alone, I will achieve this goal by December of 2011.  But, I plan on adding a daily bicycle ride to the mix, at home, before work, and helping to jump start every day.
The problem I face is entirely and solely mental.  That's what does it.  Here goes:

First of all, I was not always overweight.  I was an athlete in high school, and once I gravitated away from that and instead pursued theater and music, a sedintary life befell me more and more.  On top of that, I consistently made terrible decisions about my diet, and thought foods others were eating, like salad, lean meat, etc. to be very unappetizing, and "uncool."  I regarded water as boring, since it did not taste like anything, and the idea of exercise outside of sport to be boring as well.  I did love, however, playing sports and being active, and to this day never turn down a chance to play catch.

In terms of self image, I would see myself only in the best light, through the best mirror in my home, and have days where I thought I looked good, and days when I thought I did not.  On days I did not, I would avoid the mirror altogether.  I did not want to change, I loved how foods like pizza, chicken wings, mexican food, etc. all tasted.  Not to mention, my school had pretty much unhealthy food served in the cafeteria.  However, I am solely to blame, and the blame rests on my mind.  I could have always chosen something healthy.  After being cut from the baseball team in high school, I started to get bigger, and bigger.  In high school, believe it or not, I stopped being called names by people, because I was funny and also gifted at music.  Someone would only "go" there if he and I had a specifically bitter spat, and I could laugh it off.

My charge towards obesity continued in college, when I refrained even further from exercise and healthy choices.  I dove into music, something I truly love, and that perpetuated my habits of sitting, laying, or "relaxing."  I would take the campus bus to drop me off 10 blocks at my house, I would eat the late night chicken finger subs, the pizza rolls, the chicken wings, and drink the high-calorie mountain dew.  I wore hooded sweatshirts like everyone else, and my size, therefore, was never something very pronounced.  I developed a sense of humor, and a singing voice, so meeting girls was never really affected because of my weight.

My junior year, I had ballooned to my highest weight to that date, and decided I had enough.  My mother gave me a book by Dr. Atkins, someone she was starting to follow, and he preached a diet of high protein - meaning, my chicken wings, cheese, and other meats were okay!  He profiled a young man EXACTLY my weight, height, and medical history, and how his diet helped him drop 100 pounds.  I honest-to-goodness read this, and started to cry in my room, laying on my bed.  It was a brief cry, but life had just told me something - you do NOT have to choose to be this way!  Getting bigger and bigger is not the path you need to take.  So, I spoke to my Mother, Father, and friends, and I started on Atkins.

I also began to swim.  My friend Rich took me for my first trip, and after about 30 minutes in the water, I threw up.  My stomach was upset, and I had to end early.  I remember not feeling exhausted, but just unmotivated afterwards.  Why am I just swimming back and forth, back and forth? This is stupid.  Lucky for me, I had a buddy, Ryan, who agreed to start swimming and eating the same foods as me.  We would get up at 6am, walk to the pool, and swim for 30 minutes, or a mile, whichever came first.  Then, we would go to the dining hall, and eat a very high protein, little-to-no carb breakfast, like an omlette with ham and cheese.  We would then go home, nap, and go to class.

I began to lose pounds at a feverish pace, and at my lightest, was down almost 40 pounds.  Everyone I saw, who had not seen me in a few months would get wide-eyed and say "wow, you look amazing!"  I ran into an ex-girlfriend, and could tell she was very sort of taken by seeing me in a much more fit way.

Also, I loved to swim! And it was easy on my body and joints, and the pool was quiet in the morning, and no one ever saw me swim that I knew.  I snacked on peanuts, protein shakes, and protein bars from my mother, who spent hundreds, if not thousands, on supporting my pursuit.

Upon leaving school, I went to live on Long Island, and focus on music by staying with my friend and his parents, and commuting into New York on weekends.  While there, I took a job at Borders Books and Music, and somehow lost track of my diet and goals.  I was often very, very strapped for cash (i.e., asking for $1 of gas so I could drive myself home happened on two occasions).  There was a McDonald's on the way home, and the $1 menu was so easy and cheap, and tasty.  The economics, I thought, outweighed the importance to maintain my weight, and so I gave all that hard work back.  Cheeseburger by cheeseburger, free-chai-tea-from-work by free-chai-tea-from-work.  I never noticed myself getting bigger, because these things are so gradual, but I know I completely abandoned my habits at some point.

Then I went to England, and my entire mental outlook was that I was not going to confine myself to a diet while living in another country.  I thought it would be tough enough getting used to another place, and too difficult when travelling to maintain a lo carb lifestyle.  Also, it must be noted, since I left school that year, I rarely exercised.  There was no pool for me, no buddy to do it with.  My mind, therefore, rationalized that it was okay to stop.

Upon arriving home, I put on probably about 10 of those pounds, and right about that time, Dr. Atkins died of a heart attack, ironically.  Turns out eating chicken wings every night, or ham, or anything else I thought was "okay" was probably not the best for you.  So, I instead returned to the eating habits of my youth, not really caring what I looked like.  I had a girlfriend who loved me unconditionally, and all was right in the world.

I graduated, and moved to NYC, and found that the best pizza I've ever eaten was located on my corner, Maria's.  A Chinese restaurant was across the street, and the best sandwich shop I've ever been to was next to Maria's.  I frequented those places every single day in my time here in Brooklyn, spending thousands on dishes like Cheese Tortellini with Meatballs and alfredo sauce, side of garlic bread.  There was also Domino's pizza, just a phone call away, and now also on my Blackberry, making ordering very easy.  The hospital that I started to work at had a less-than-desireable salad bar, and instead the 1/2 pound cheeseburgers were much better, so long as onion rings were being served that day, too.

So, over the course of the last 4 years, despite several week-long assertions to myself and to my friends to turn it around, I have become the largest I have ever been.  I'm embarassed to write the number down, to be honest.  I now have resigned myself to wear over shirts over t-shirts, playing them off as being for sweat when I perform.  I was found to have fatty infiltration of the liver, something totally reverseable, and not really affecting my health now, but can complicate things should I, God forbid, ever get an illness. 

Two weeks ago, I boarded a bus to go play in a golf tournament run by my dear friend Mike Poorman up in Auburn, NY.  I would take the bus to Syracuse, and Mike's wife Ann would then pick me up.  On the way up, our bus was full, and I had the last unoccupied seat.  Why? Well, to my mind, it was awesome, and my size was a major plus, right?  Well, a young girl boarded the bus and had to sit next to me, since it was the last seat.  She was pleasant, and I kept to myself the whole way. 

See, I am big, but only bordering on the biggness that makes me unable to sit in one seat.  In fact, me taking up two seats has never really been an issue, I've always snugly fit into one.  On the bus, the seats are much closer together than say a train or a car, and the young girl and I were touching a few times, specifically her elbow and my lower side, which bellows out when I sit.

I did my absolute best to stay on my imaginary side of the seat, and thought it was fine, and eventually went to sleep.  About a few hours into the ride though, the brightness of her phone caused me to open my eyes from rest and I saw the following text messages:

"omg im sitting next to the fattest guy ever."
"yeah its like jason's mom is sitting next to me."
"my back is resting up against his fat."

I got infuriated at her, because how dare she?  She was having a private conversation, but I got mad at her not NOTICING how I was staying on my side of the seat.  Couldn't she see that I was doing my best?  I did not, however, take to heart what the universe was telling me: that this is a major, major problem.

Also, in my current job, there is a very nice, funny, and pleasant man with whom I work with closely on a variety of projects.  Every day, he does not call me by name, and instead has nicknames for people, that are very vanilla, but supposed to give you a sense of being in the office in-crowd.  My nickname from him is "Big Guy."

"Hey, Big Guy, did you get that letter out to so-and-so."
"Hey, hey, Big Guy, where ya playing tonight?"
"Big Guy! Hold up, I gotta have you look at that presentation again."

I have felt sorry for myself, every time he says it to me, and have thought on several occasions to ask him to stop calling me that.  He doesn't mean it as a jab; yet I am taking it that way.  He means it in an old school sense, where people refered to others by what they really are, and everyone, for the most part, was comfortable in their own skin.  Well, I was not, and all it did was highlight just how insecure about the outward world seeing and acknowledging my obesity.

And so I am writing today, to the universe, to my Future Self that will go back and read this, and say that on Thursday, August 19th, 2010, I made up my mind to choose a healthy and moderated life.  That I decided to lose this weight, these pounds that make my face, stomach, and now thighs huge, the pounds that make me a slower and slower runner, a winded singer, and a larger man than I want to be.

I will need all the will power I can muster to fight the little boy inside me, that disregards reason, logic, and history, and only wants to satisfy the carnal instinct to eat tasty, heavy foods.  I have put into place the framework to succeed, including counting calories and drastically changing my diet, and will be purchasing an exercise bike, but in my darkest hour, I worry about what constructs my mind will have that might keep me this big and this way.  Will I be strong enough?

Yes.  And I choose health, and life.  And next year, when I reach this goal, I will weep on account of how hard it was, and how great I feel.  But for now, my focus is incredibly short sighted:

I can only control what I do today, not yesterday, and not tomorrow, and not 6 months from now.  And today, I will make the decisions necessary to choose health and life.  I will have a good day TODAY.

And I'm off on my journey.  Thanks for reading about what lead to this point, I hope you find some kind of truth in all of this. 

By 8/26/10, -3500 calories down, 346500 calories to go.

August 17, 2010

Anxious Debbie and the Chicken Wings

Last night I was scheduled to play a bar in the upper West Side called Prohibition. It's a very nice place, a cleaner and more spacious version of The Back Fence in Greenwich Village. They pay well, and they treat me very well. Although it is always a grind to get up there to play from my place in Brooklyn, I'm always satisfied after, and the shows always go great.I arrive, and the bar is sparsely filled with people, most of them watching the football or baseball game. I enjoyed some dinner there - they have very tasty sliders - and a stiff Gin and Tonic before my set started.

I began to play, and about halfway through the first set, three heavyset, blond, older women entered the bar, snickering, and walked past me, sitting off to my right. They were not within my peripheral vision while looking forward, so besides that first pass, I paid them no mind.

Halfway through the first song they heard from me, they started "Woo"ing and clapping. It was mid-song, so I did not acknowledge them. Then, about 5 songs in, two of the women stood up, and started to dance, hand-in-hand, which was fun, and totally acceptable by me and by the bar. I played two more songs, and then took a break.

As I was walking out the door to buy a Gatorade next door at the bodega, the waitress called out to me, and told me the three women would like to buy me a round, and asked if I would join them. I said that would be fine, and I would be right back.

I walked back in, drinking my Gatorade, and placed it on the stage, when I hear a woman project loudly: "Did he get our drink??" The waitress again came over and asked what I wanted to drink, and I ordered another Gin and Tonic. She then pointed towards the women, and I, for the first time, turned to look at them:

#1 - Dyed blond curly hair, glasses, very portly, large breasts, smiling widely and motioning towards me. She looked to be about 45 years old. She was not dancing earlier. Attractiveness overall (out of ten): 3 sober, 5 drunk (meaning when I was drunk, what would I give. And I would have to be very, very drunk for this rating.)


#2 - Tall, blond hair, average to only slightly overweight, eyes half-open, indicating extreme intoxication. She was dancing along to the background music as she turned to see me. Attractiveness overall (out of ten): 6 sober, 7 drunk (definitely not a disgusting middle aged woman, just a drunken mess)


#3 - Short, blond hair, blue eyes, prettiest face of the three. She was overweight, but she wore it well, large breasts, hair straightened and seemingly fried from too much dying. But she was a good looking woman, for sure. She saw me, and looked very anxious, and only half-smiling. Having said that, a less perceptive person wouldn't have noticed anything out of the ordinary, as she sat farthest away from the group. Attractiveness overall (out of ten): 4 sober, 7 drunk.

All women, it must be noted, were wearing very chic formal dresses, that all shimmered and hugged their curves.

I walk over, and the waitress brought my drink over, and #1 pulls a chair out and says "please join us," grinning like a god-damned fool. #1 is to my left, #2 directly in front of me, and #3 to my gradual left, sitting with a space between her and #2.

#1: You were just wonderful - did you grow up in Buffalo? She noticed my University at Buffalo t-shirt.
Me: Yes, born and raised. I moved here.... (cut off)
#1: I went to college in Buffalo, you know. What part are you from?
Me: South Buffalo, the Irish neighborhood.
#1: Oh right, that's near Allentown! Did you ever eat Bocce's pizza?
Me: Well, it's polar opposite side of the city than Allentown, and yes, I've had Bocce's pizza.

The #2 woman reaches out to me then, grabs both my hands, puts them in hers, and starts to sway them side-to-side, along with the beat, and then says:

#2: Come on, let's dance.

She starts to get up out of her chair.

I hesitate, saying I need to begin my next set soon. That was enough to get her to sit back down.

Me: Thanks for the drink, by the way. So what are your names?
#1: I am Eileen.
#2: I am Carolyn.

#3 did not introduce herself, because I don't think she could hear me ask.

Carolyn: You gotta play some more dance stuff. Oh by the way, this is Debbie, she has lung cancer! ::smiles:: You know, you gotta dedicate a song to her, she has surgery on Tuesday. Yeah, ::points at Debbie:: she's deciding between Sloan-Kettering and a doctor at NYU.

Debbie's eyes got wide, completely stunned.

Me: (to Debbie) seriously? ::she nods, eyes wide open:: Wow, I'm sorry to hear that. You're going to be fine, you know that right?

Debbie raised her eyebrows and shrugged, as if to say "we shall see." The truth is, she will probably not be fine. The 5-year survivability for lung cancer is only 4%. It's the second worst, next to pancreatic cancer. She was, however, seeing one of our doctors in the Thoracic service at MSKCC, which is a major plus. This doctor, in particular, is one the best doctors in the world.

Just then Eileen put her hand on my knee, and smiled.

Eileen: You know the only place to get good Buffalo wings in New York?....

I shake my head to say no, I don't.

Eileen:....my house, cuz I'll make them for you. ::winks, and squeezes my knee::

I half-smiled, and Debbie looked at all of us, face frozen. Carolyn piped in:

Carolyn: What song are you gonna play for my friend!?! She is dying of cancer!!! (Said with a grin, as if she had just gotten engaged.)

I ignore this comment, and lean in and say:

"Listen, Debbie, you're going to be fine. I work at Sloan-Kettering, and they have the best doctors in the world." She nodded slightly, still with wide-eyes, and I now saw the tears in her eyes.

I then informed them I needed to go back up to play, and my head was heavy about what had just happened. Who the fuck ARE these people!? And who the FUCK blurts out something so terrible, so tragic, so frightful, with complete reckless abandon. How is Debbie even in the same room as these people!?!

I get on stage, and played "Faith" by George Michael, because I thought it would be light, and well-received, and had a great message: got to have faith. The women "Woo-ed" at me during the song - well two of them. Debbie just sat there, obviously overcome with anxiety.

"Play something for cancer! Play something for our friend!"

It was Carolyn! I didn't even acknowledge her. I could not believe any of this!

About three more songs into this, I noticed Eileen was now sitting at the main bar, talking to a thirty-something man, and had her arm around him. He was none too interested. Then, I look to my left, and Carolyn is standing in the aisle, head-banging back and forth to the music, as her long, split-ended dyed hair flailed side-to-side, up-and-down, everywhere. Debbie sat there, facing towards me, just watching me sing, eyes still very wide.

Carolyn and Debbie then got up and started to dance to my music, and Debbie cracked a smile for the first time in about an hour. You could tell it made her happy to move around. Just then, two middle-aged men walked in, both with male-pattern baldness on their heads, and both dressed in polo shirts. I heard them introduce themselves to the ladies, and one referred to the other as his "business partner." They were complete and total douche bags.

The men started to dance with the Carolyn and Debbie, and Eileen, noticing this, hopped off the stool, and started to dance, too. She rubbed her flat, square-shaped butt up against the taller of the two men, who loved that, and started dancing with her exclusively. The other man gravitated right towards Carolyn, and they started to grind almost immediately. Debbie was dancing by herself, and at one point went back and sat on a bar stool, facing away from her friends.

About two songs later, I hear a giant "WOO!" from their area, and see Carolyn, and the man deeply, deeply making out. Groping, dry humping - everything. She had her hand under his shirt, and the other resting on his bald spot. He had both hands firmly on her butt cheeks, and then started to move in and rub her crotch. The "WOO" was because of the onset of making out, and came from Eileen.

Eileen and the taller man then walked towards the bar, and he got on a stool. Eileen then backed into him, so they were both facing me, and was grinding her butt into his crotch along to the beat. He sat there, with a huge grin, and was clapping.

Debbie saw this, and smiled for a split second, and the tall man thought he was giving her eyes. Since she was absolutely more attractive than Eileen, he started to touch her hair. Except, he was too far away to fully grope her, and he was unable to move on account of Eileen's grinding. So, instead, he was grabbing her hair in strands, the way you would if there was gum stuck in it - carefully, in small clumps, almost examining it. Debbie just looked at him, and sipped her drink by the straw, showing no emotion. Carolyn and her man continued to suck each others face behind her.

There was a young couple sitting next to the stage that were incredibly polite and fun, suggesting great songs for me to play, and also very responsive, in a good way. They were watching this whole thing, with horror, and the young woman looked at me, and I said out of range of the mic: "Oh, you don't even KNOW...."

I finished my set for the night, and walked off stage with my gear, and had one last glance at the situation. By now, the tall man and Eileen were making out, and groping. Carolyn and the other man continued to make out. Debbie was sandwiched in between the two couples, but they were each so close to her that she could not fit both of her butt cheeks on the stool! You know, Debbie, the woman with lung cancer, the woman out trying to forget about the gravity of her illness, the one whose fear is palpable, even to a perfect stranger! She was squished in, with one cheek on the stool, the other, hanging off, her leg dangling. She looked straight ahead into the mirror behind the shelves of liquor, emotionless. As I left I caught her eye and smiled briefly, my spirit hurting for her. She looked back wide-eyed, this time with a furled brow, and half smiled. I walked out.

SO, I ask you: With friends like these, could cancer actually be better?? HOLY SHIT.

August 16, 2010

4

four words
and now it's clear where everything stands
"i heard, i heard"
four words
and it's clear
that we are changed
i dust off my shoes
and move forward.

August 6, 2010

Things I Love

America


Acoustic Guitars



This painting (see the blog header)



New York City.



Malissa and her music.



My Irish Band, The Foggy Dudes



This painting, used as my album artwork.



My Motown Band, the Bay Ridge All-Stars



My incredible friend Kate, and her Music.



Snow days in Buffalo, NY, my hometown.



The goofiness that both of my parents are capable of.



Playing my Mom in Scrabble.




Being Happy and Care-free.

Hear "The Stone" and "Two Souls Meet in the City"

Two songs from my upcoming album, "Ophelia" are now available to listen at http://www.myspace.com/johnschmitt - Please take a listen!

You can pre-order the album at http://www.johnschmittalbum.com/ - it's $10, and the album will be mailed to you before it is released for no additional cost!

August 3, 2010

"out of habit" by Ani DiFranco

the butter melts out of habit
the toast isn't even warm
the waitress and the man in the plaid shirt
play out a scene they've played
so many times before
I am watching the sun stumble home in the morning
from a bar on the east side of town
and the coffee is just water dressed in brown
beautiful but boring
he visited me yesterday
he noticed my fingers
and asked me if I would play
I didn't really care a lot
but I couldn't think of a reason why not
I said if you don't come any closer I don't mind if you stay
my thighs have been involved in many accidents
and now I can't get insured
and I don't need to be lured by you
my cunt is built like a wound that won't heal
and now you don't have to ask
because you know how I feel
you know how I feel

art is why I get up in the morning
but my definition ends there
and it doesn't seem fair
that I'm living for something I can't even define
there you are right there
in the meantime

I don't want to play for you anymore
show me what you can do
tell me what are you here for
I want my old friends
I want my old face
I want my old mind
fuck this time and place

the butter melts out of habit
you know, the toast isn't even warm

August 1, 2010

New Song: "Going Back"




"Going Back"

Verse 1:
I don't want to speak about it
I just want to get used to it
You make me want to drink about it
Make me want to get loose with it

Chorus:
So cut me down
And cut me loose
'Cause I choose to walk alone
With a hangman's noose
I have found
The only truce:
Either you're gonna leave
Or I'm gonna leave
We're basically the same
I'm going back from where I came
I'm going back from where I came

Verse 2:
I don't want to ask about it
I'm afraid it might make too much sense
I don't want to hash it out
It's not my place to make amends

Chorus:
So cut me down
And cut me loose
'Cause I choose to walk alone
With a hangman's noose
I have found
The only truce:
Either you're gonna leave
Or I'm gonna leave
We're basically the same
I'm going back from whence I came
I'm going back from whence I came

Bridge:
So take my home
The one I own
And change the pictures on the table
The walls agree
They always did with me
We never fit the married label

CHORUS
I'm going back from whence I came
I'm going back from whence I came.